The Upside of Down
by Elissahara30
Summary: I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge, that myth is more potent than history. I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts that hope always triumphs over experience that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I belive that love
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

The Upside of Down 

**Part One**

By, Elissahara30

Morelli parked in a small lot reserved for emergency vehicles, and we went into the ER together. The waiting room was filled with guys in black RangeMan uniforms. There faces were grim, and a few heads were bowed. I fist sized lump formed in my throat and I felt the urge the throw up came over me again. I knew something deeply wrong had happened.

I looked over and saw Tank holding a sobbing Julie and my legs began to wobble. Morelli put his arms around me to steady me, as we made our way to Tank. The room seemed too bright; it was at odds with somber atmosphere.

Tank looked up at us, and that's when I knew for sure. Ranger was gone. I felt the panic start to bubble in my chest again, and I clung to Morelli, and my breathing started coming in sharp painful pants. Morelli, sat me down, and tried to get me to focus on him. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't.

When my vision cleared, I stared straight at Joe, and with great effort I said, "I need to see him."

"I don't think that would be a good idea Stephanie." Morelli tried to reason with me. I wasn't going to have any of it. I had to see Ranger again, I had to be sure.

I turned my attention from Joe to Tank, "Please, Tank I need to see him. Please, please," I choked out as I began to shake, "Please, this last time, please let me see him." I felt the tears run down my cheeks, but I didn't care. Tank looked over at Morelli and I knew they were having a silent ESP debate going on, and when I felt Joe let out a frustrated sigh, I knew Tank had won.

I waited for thirty minutes before I was allowed back to view the body. I tried not to think of it that way, I couldn't. Joe had wanted to go with me, but I insisted I needed to do this on my own. I stood by the gurney and carefully pulled back the sheet, and I choked back a sob.

I looked into the face of the person I had fallen in love with, and I felt like a part of my heart that was reserved just for Ranger die. I touched his face, and it felt so cold. All the time that I had known him, I always felt his presence like physical force. When he came into a room, he filled it, with confidence, power, that air of mystery and most importantly he filled me with that. That presence was missing now, taken away from some crazy who wanted to be Ranger. I felt my chest begin to burn, and I sucked in a breath, not even realizing I had stopped breathing.

I carefully laid my head on his chest, "I love you," I whispered. And I cried, and I felt like chasm that had just cleaved its self into my very soul.

I was vaguely aware when Joe had come for me; I don't really remember him taking me out of the hospital. We drove, and I had no idea in what direction. In my mind, I was still by that gurney holding onto Ranger.

We pulled up to my parents' house, and Morelli escorted my limp form into the house. It was odd, there no chastisements, no demands for detail from my grandmother. My mother not telling me that Judith Frensky's daughter never had someone shot and killed in her apartment. Nothing, just quiet sympathy. My mother had thanked Joe and she guided me up the stairs to my old room, she carefully helped me clean up. And did something she hadn't done since I was a small child. She tucked me in and held my hand until I fell asleep.

I woke up the next day feeling like a barbell was firmly seated on my chest. I opened my eyes, and realized that I wasn't in my old bedroom at my parents' house. I was in a hospital room, and someone was holding my hand. I turned my head and sucked in my breath, which caused pain to course through my body.

"Babe, you're awake. Damn, you had me worried." Ranger smiled at me as he leaned forward and brushed a kiss across my forehead.

TBC . . . .

A/N: For the time being my story From Afghanistan with Love is on hold. Thanks for reading. Please review or comment. Hugs.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

The Upside of Down 

**Part Two**

By, Elissahara30

I squeezed Ranger's hand in mine, and tears of relief started to make tracks down my face. He was there and he's alive. There was so much I wanted say, so many questions I needed to ask, and so much right now that I didn't understand. That could wait, right now I couldn't take my eyes off his face, and my heart ached with the need to be close to him.

Ranger brushed the tears from my face using his thumb, and he gently caressed my cheek. I leaned into his touch, "Are you in pain?" He asked me, his voice soft and full of emotion.

Oh, god I was. It was a pain so bad that it couldn't compare to anything that had ever happened to me physically. But that wasn't what he was asking me, so I shook my head no. I closed my eyes and breathed in his scent, and there I felt it. That physical _ping,_ that always happened when he was near. I felt his lips brushed over mine, and it stole my breath away. I opened my eyes and looked into his, and they were so open, I could every emotion there and the foremost in them was love.

"I nearly lost you this time, Babe." His voice broke and he brought my hand up to his face and kissed my palm. My eyes tracked from his face to our joined hand, and my heart stuttered. We had wedding rings on, and the pattern was identical to both. He noticed were my eyes had focused and a look of confusion crossed his face.

"Stephanie, are you alright, do you remember what happened?" No, this isn't alright. I knew we weren't married. All of sudden I couldn't breathe, I felt hot and black dots swam before my eyes. The mantra of,_ this isn't real, this isn't real, _ran repeatedly through my mind.

Ranger hit the panic button on the com panel by my bed, and my hospital room was of a sudden full of nurses and one of them made Ranger leave over his protests. I was fussed over and prodded and eventually one of them gave me a sedative in my IV, because I calmed down and Ranger came back into my room followed by what I assumed was the doctor.

"Hello, Stephanie. I'm Dr. Berrnet." I gave him a wan smile as he sat down on one of those roll around stools. "I was explaining to your husband that with your type of head injury it's possible to have reactions like you did."

"How?" was all I managed to say. How was Ranger my husband? How did I get a head injury? What the hell was going on?

"You were in a head on car collision three days ago and you've been in a coma since. It's very common for people to lose their memories of recent events. Sometimes for longer spaces of time. Your husband mentioned your panic attack started when you focused on your wedding ring, do you remember being married to Carlos?"

"I'm not married," my raw voice broke out.

I watched as Ranger's face took on a pained expression, "Babe, we've been married for eleven years."

No, not possible. I hadn't even known Ranger for eleven years. Hell that would mean I was married to Ranger the same time I had been married to Dickie. I started to feel my head hurt as I began to shake my head in an emphatic No!

"Ranger, I haven't even known you that long." I rasped out.

A dark looked crossed Ranger's face as he said, "Who in hell is Ranger?"

I started to feel my chest tighten again as I started to cry. What was going on, why I was being tortured this way. The doctor stood up and pushed _my_ angry husband out of the door. I could hear Ranger arguing with the doctor, but at that point I didn't care. I felt the apathy take over and I carefully turned on my side away from the voices outside. I took in a shuddering breath and fell into a fitful sleep.

When I woke up again, I was in my old room at my parent's house.

TBC . . . .

A/N: Confused yet? Good.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

The Upside of Down 

**Part Three**

By, Elissahara30

I sat up slowly and put my head in my hands. I was going crazy, and somehow I couldn't dredge up the will power to care. I wondered if I lay back down and tried to sleep, would I wake back up in that hospital room. To that place where Ranger was still alive. Could one sleep away their whole life just to escape the bitterness of reality?

I heard a knock on my door before my mother opened it, "Someone by the name of Tank is on the phone for you. Are you up to taking any phone calls?"

I turned my head and looked at my mom. I really wasn't up to anything, but this was Tank and he wouldn't have called unless it was important. "Yeah, I'll take his call."

My mother walked into the room and handed me a cordless phone. I thank her quietly and said into the phone, "Hi, Tank."

"Ms. Plum I wanted to inform you that Ranger's funeral will be at 1:00 pm today." Oh, god his funeral.

I drew in an unsteady breath, "Isn't it too soon for a funeral?" I don't know if I could face that. Hell, who was I kidding, I just didn't want to say goodbye.

"Julie's parents want to take her home, so Ranger's family thought it was important to have his funeral before they go." I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the headboard. I felt the tears roll down my cheeks. Poor Julie. She never really got to know what an amazing man her father really was. It wasn't fair, why did life have to be so unfucking fair sometimes.

"I'll be there." I said softly, trying to keep my voice from wavering. I hung up the phone and looked up at the ceiling. Now if I could just remember what it was like to breathe on my own, without having to remind myself to do it, maybe I could get through this day.

I stood in my parent's bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. You would think I was ready for a date instead of a funeral. I don't think my hair had ever looked this good, and the dress was sexy elegant, not sexy smutty. It was a long spaghetti strap dress, which had a black wraparound. I wanted to look beautiful for Ranger. I wore simple understated black pumps, and had a small black clutch purse. I made sure I had plenty of tissues. I was going to need them. I exited the bathroom and made my way down the stairs. My father waited for me, he was going to take me to the funeral. Joe wanted to take me, but I just didn't feel right going with him.

I was surprised and pleased to see that my father had dressed nicely, I knew out of respect for me. The gesture really touched my heart. "Are you ready?" he asked me.

I shook my head yes, and he escorted me out the front door to his Buick, that was waiting for us in front of the house. We drove saliently to the cemetery; it was a grave side service. I guess Ranger hadn't wanted a large funeral.

We arrived at the cemetery and I just stood on the paved road, staring at the small group of people gathered. I felt like I was cemented to that spot. I didn't want to walk any further. My father calmly took my hand and led me to the grave site. It was odd; my parent's were treating me like I was made china.

I stood back from the group, hoping no one would pay me any particular attention. Tank surprised me when he led me to one of the chairs by the grave site. I started to protest, but he just looked at me. So, I gave up. He sat me down, and my father stood behind me.

Other people took position around the gravesite and there was some that I assumed where Ranger's family. I had often wondered about his family, and this was not the way I wanted to meet them.

The group quieted to a deep hush, as the priest stood and recited the Lord's Prayer. My eyes filled with tears, I was horrid at funerals, yet this was a thousand times worse. This was for someone I had loved.

I couldn't help but think about the last gravesite funeral I had attended. It had been Mama Mac's funeral and I had been there with Ranger. He had held me as I sobbed my heart out for a woman I didn't know or like. He thought it was funny, and I couldn't help but wonder if he was here with me today.

As the service went on my quite tears turned into painful racking sobs and my father came around the chair and crouched down so he could hold me. I cried so hard, I was starting the get a head ache, but I couldn't stop.

When the ceremony ended I continued to softly cry in my fathers arms. I felt a small hand touch my face, and I turned and looked into the sad eyes of Julie. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"Oh, baby, I'm the one who should be sorry." I said to her and I reached out my arms and she hugged me so tight. And for a little while we cried together, I was reluctant to let her go, but I had too. I looked up and met the eyes of Julie's mother, and she seemed to understand my pain. Rachel may not have loved Ranger, yet she grieved the loss of the man who gave her, her daughter. I there as sat as one by one, I met Ranger's family. I had been so curious about all these people, and now the only thought that was running though my mind was, I'd gladly give up ever meeting them only to have him back.

TBC . . . .

A/N: More to come.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

The Upside of Down 

**Part Four**

By, Elissahara30

_I sat there as sat as one by one, I met Ranger's family. I had been so curious about all these people, and now the only thought that was running though my mind was, I'd gladly give up ever meeting them only to have him back._

When we arrived back home, I went straight up to bed. I was so emotionally exhausted that I don't think I could stand another minute around anyone, including my family. I undressed and got into my bed, and drifted off to sleep.

It was the tell-tell beeping of the heart monitor, that first told me I was back in that hospital room. I slowly opened my eyes and noticed Carlos sleeping in the chair by my bed. I really couldn't call him Ranger, because I had a feeling this wasn't _my_ Ranger. I wondered why my mind had conjured this person. Who are we, to really know?

I laid there and just visually memorized his face; he looked the same to me. No difference from the Ranger I knew. He looked like he did when he was staying with me before Scrog. The relaxed under cover Ranger version. I reached out my hand and touched his face, and he started awake. He immediately smiled, which made me smile sadly in return.

"Hey," I said. Burg etiquette didn't cover conversations with mental delusions.

"I'm sorry I got angry at you before." Carlos took up my hand and kissed the palm. I choked back the tears that threatened to fall. "Babe, why so sad?"

I took his hand and laid it over my heart, "I'm just happy that you're here."

"Where else would I be?" He seemed briefly confused by my comment, but I could tell by his expression that he was going to let it go, "The doctor said that you can go home tomorrow."

Home.

My mind drifted to thoughts of my apartment and after having lost Ranger, it could never be home again. The memories of shared experiences were there, the time he rescued me from the shower rod. The times he broke in, and dragged me out running. The times he just popped to see me, the one time that we had been lovers. Those memories I could live with, it was the one of Ranger being shot to death, that I could never be able to wash away.

I pulled from my dark thoughts as I looked at Carlos, "Jack and Ingrid will be happy to see you. They've been so worried about you." He said as he started to rub his thumb softly against the knuckles of my hand.

I felt a moment of panic as I tried to discern who Jack and Ingrid were, and in what relation they were to me. Dear God, please let them be our dogs. Carlos stopped rubbing my hand and looked at me with a pensive expression on his face, "You do know who Jack and Ingrid are don't you?"

How do I answer this, I wanted to lie and say, 'Sure, I do." But if Carlos was anything like Ranger he could sense a lie a mile away. I let out a frustrated sigh, "I'm so sorry Carlos, I don't even remember the last eleven years at all."

He sat back and seemed to absorb what I said, and I watched as he seemed to mentally put himself together. "How do you even know me, if you don't remember us?"

_I would know you anywhere. You are my island, and sanctuary. I was always too scared to tell you when you lived_. I closed my eyes and let the grief overwhelm me again, "I remember you because you're my heart." I whispered softly, "Where ever you are, I'm home."

I could feel his hands cup my face, they felt so warm and strong, and my heart broke all over again. I started to cry in earnest and this prompted Carlos to get in the hospital bed with me and held me. He felt so real, I could hear his heart beat, and I could feel his warm breath on my cheek. I clung to him and prayed that I never wake up again. That I just stay in this moment and be with him.

Carlos kissed the side of my face and I moved my head so he had easier access to my lips. "Babe, you need to calm down or they'll make me leave." He said in between kisses.

He even kissed liked Ranger, and I was breathless for more. He pulled back and tucked my securely at his at his side. I protested but this only prompted him to chuckle at me. I just made myself just to be content to be at his side and I worked hard at pushing all the unsettling thoughts away. I threaded my fingers with his and turned my head and breathed him in and he even smelled like Ranger.

"So who are Jack and Ingrid?" I asked still hoping they were our dogs. Or hamsters, I was very fond of hamsters.

I could feel his smile as he said, "Stephanie, Jack and Ingrid are our children."

I think I must have stopped breathing because I felt Carlos nudge me and I sucked in a unsteady breath. "Children!" I squeaked.

TBC . . . . .


	5. Chapter 5

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

The Upside of Down 

**Part Five**

By, Elissahara30

_I think I must have stopped breathing because I felt Carlos nudge me and I sucked in an unsteady breath. "Children!" I squeaked._

I woke up with a start and put a hand over my mouth to keep from crying. It was the same scene over and over again. I could almost say it word for word now. I closed my eyes and worked hard on suppressing the tears that wanted to fall. I tried not to wake Joe, so I carefully got out of bed and headed down the stairs to the kitchen.

Four months ago I had given up my apartment knowing I could never go back there. Four months ago I let Joe Morelli talk me into moving in with him. And four months I have regretted it every day. I loved Joe, with all my heart I loved him, but . . . I felt a huge piece of me was missing.

I had quite bounty hunting, and decided that I needed time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I spoke very little to Lula and Connie, but both seemed to understand my grief and for that I was grateful.

I continued to dream of my life with Carlos, learning about a man that never existed and finding myself longing more and more for Ranger. I looked out the kitchen window, it was still dark outside. How fitting that it matched what my heart currently felt like. Most of my waking days, I spent just going through the motions of life, and not really living it.

There are days that I find myself on Haywood, staring at Ranger's building. I finger the key fob with his apartment key still attached. I knew he wouldn't be there, but there was that urge go up the elevator to the seventh floor and to see for myself. If I close my eyes, I can just imagine him standing there in his SWATS, arms crossed over his chest. His eyebrow raised, and the slight smile touching his lips.

I bent my head and heaved a heavy sigh. I felt Joe come up behind me and pull me against his chest. He wrapped his warm arms around me and I just let him comfort me. "Another bad night?" He whispered in my ear.

"Yes," I said just as softly.

"I'm really beginning to think you need to see someone about these dreams Stephanie." I felt myself stiffen in his arms and he just tightened his hold on me. "Cupcake, I just want you to feel better."

I pushed myself away from Joe and started to feel my temper rise, "There is nothing wrong with me Joe; I just need time."

"You've been here for four months and I feel like I'm living with a stranger. You keep this wall between us. Damn it! Its time to move on, Stephanie!" Joe stepped toward me and I found myself taking a step back.

I felt myself sag and I turned my back on Morelli, "It's not that easy Joe."

"Cupcake, I feel like I'm fighting for your attention with a ghost." I could hear him pleading with me and I just wanted to run away. I wanted to run away from my heartache, I wanted to run away from my dreams. But most importantly, I wanted to run away from myself.

I tried to suppress the tears that wanted to flow, but it was a losing battle. I wrapped my arms around my self. "What do you want from me?"

Morelli put his hand on my shoulders and turned me around facing him, his brown eyes looked weary and sad. He frowned and he gently touched my face, "I'm trying so hard to understand. I know you loved him, as much as it hurts me to admit that to myself I have to accept it. I love you, and I want you to be happy."

I felt so bad inside, here was a man that loved me and I loved in return, but I couldn't help but want someone else. It took loosing Ranger for me to realize how much I really loved these two men and how much it affected me. Joe was my comfort, a link to my childhood, a life line for home. Ranger had been my courage, my heart and my soul and I felt like I was lost at sea without hope of rescue, just waiting to drown in my misery without him.

"I think I've forgotten what its like to be happy." I cried, Morelli pulled me to him and held me close. I needed to barrow his strength right now. He sighed into my hair, and just rocked me back and forth offering that life line.

TBC . . . . .

A/N: I know this story is really confusing, but eventually it will start to make sense. Just be patient.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

The Upside of Down 

**Part Six**

By, Elissahara30

"_I think I've forgotten what its like to be happy." I cried, Morelli pulled me to him and held me close. I needed to barrow his strength right now. He sighed into my hair, and just rocked me back and forth offering that life line._

I felt soft little hands stroking my face, and when I opened my eyes I found myself looking into the most impossibly big hazel eyes I ever saw. A delighted little smile played across soft little pink lips. "Mommy, you're awake." The little boy said happily.

"JACK!" called Carlos as he rushed in the bedroom. I was lying on my back with the little boy I supposed was Jack sitting on my chest. Carlos came in and plucked the boy off of me, "What did I tell you," Carlos said sternly to the little boy.

"Sorry, Daddy," the little boy said solemnly. "I just missed Mommy so much."

I looked between father and son and felt my heart beat faster. In the time I had been dreaming not once had I seen my imaginary children. Jack and Ingrid. I watched the little one who was Jack as he laid his head on Carlos' shoulder; he had dark wavy hair and brown skin. A shade lighter than Carlos' skin tone. He was such a beautiful little child, and I found myself drawn to Jack.

"It's alright Carlos, I would like to get to know Jack again." I smiled at the concerned look that crossed Carlos' face.

"Are you sure?" He asked me as he carefully set Jack down next to me. The little boy scampered up into my lap and burrowed his head on my shoulder. I put my arms around the boy and closed my eyes and a smile touched my lips. I could not put into words what I was feeling at this moment.

When I opened my eyes again and looked up at Carlos, I witnessed the emotion swimming there. Our eyes met and I felt that familiar longing creep up to me. I rested my head and top of Jack's and said, "We'll be just fine."

"I'll be in the other room if you need me Babe." He bent down and kissed my forehead and walked out the room.

Jack looked up at me again with his big serious eyes, "Daddy said you hurt your head badly, and that you don't 'member too well."

I touched Jack's sweet little face and truly wished he were mine, I tried to fight the tears that wanted to fall and I sighed against the sadness, "Yeah, Mommy doesn't remember like she used too."

He nodded his head in that same serious manner, as he wrinkled his little forehead in concentration, "Did you forget me?"

For a few seconds I was at a loss, it stabbed at my heart to see such truth and honesty on such a little face. What was I supposed to say to him? I closed my eyes and fought the tears that wanted to overwhelm me. Why? Why was my mind playing such cruel tricks on me? "Oh, Jack," I said softly, and I touched his cheek, and my finger smoothed the wrinkles on that little brow. "You're just going to have to help me remember that's all."

He tilted his head ever so slightly and whispered, "I love you."

My resolve to not cry broke and I found the tears streaming down my face. It was almost too much, "I love you too, Jack." I'm not sure how long we sat there holding him. For each minute that passed I felt my self begin to calm and Jack quietly waited for me to calm down. I marveled at such patience in someone so little, he reminded me so much of Ranger.

I took one calming breath and then smiled at the little boy in my arms, "So, Jack tell what is your full name."

He gave me a brilliant smile that reflected so much of his father's features that I had to work hard not to start my tears anew. "My name is Antonio Jackson Manoso and I am four years old." He stated proudly.

"That is a very nice name Jack." And over the next hour Jack told me stories about himself and his favorite things. I learned that his favorite color was blue and that he loved to eat pepperoni pizza, he could ride a two wheeler all by himself and that he can recite his abc's. He had a pet hamster named Rex, that I had given him last year, and that he wanted to grow and be Batman.

That last part made me giggle, and I told him that I had wanted to grow up and be Wonder Woman. That led to an explanation who Wonder Woman was and I couldn't help the simple joy that Jack brought to my heart. I started to tickle his tummy and he had such a bright rich laugh that it made me laugh along with him.

I looked up and saw Carlos leaning against the door jam smiling at us, and I couldn't help the smile that burst even further on my face. "Come on Daddy," I said through my laughter, "why don't you come and play with us."

Carlos approached the bed and he grabbed Jack and started to blow raspberries on his check and the little boy squirmed and laughed louder. I sat back and watched them play and for the first time in months I felt a lightness I hadn't felt in a long time. I longed so much for this to be real, and I worked hard at keeping the sadness from creeping up on me again. I was determined to enjoy the moment and be content to just exist for in this brief space of time.

I was surprised when Carlos bent down and kissed me joyfully, and I let myself wonder at how lovely it was to be here. He pulled back with the laughter still in his eyes, and I couldn't help but fall away and feel the love for Ranger transpose on my imaginary husband. I reached out my hand and touched Carlos' face and tried to convey the feelings that were in me now.

And I closed my eyes and said, "I love you."

TBC . . . . .

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, I love them keep them coming.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

The Upside of Down 

**Part Seven**

By, Elissahara30

_I was surprised when Carlos bent down and kissed me joyfully, and I let myself wonder at how lovely it was to be here. He pulled back with the laughter still in his eyes, and I couldn't help but fall away and feel the love for Ranger transpose on my imaginary husband. I reached out my hand and touched Carlos' face and tried to convey the feelings that were in me now._

_And I closed my eyes and said, "I love you."_

The chilly wind blew through my hair as I made my way across the green grass toward Ranger's grave. I hadn't been here since his funeral, but I felt I needed to come. I stopped once I reached my destination and I held the solitary rose in my hand and brought it to my nose and I inhaled deeply. I closed my eyes as a single tear slid down my cheek. Rubbing the tender soft petals on my face my mind drifted back to the feel of Jack's little hands touching my cheek. Had all that only been a dream?

I opened my eyes and looked at the granite stone at my feet. I crouched down and laid the rose on the grave and with hesitant trembling fingers I outlined the Ranger's name on the grave marker. "I miss you," I said softly.

"You loved my son very much, didn't you?" asked a person behind me.

I stood up quickly and turned, "Mrs. Manoso, you surprised me."

Mrs. Manoso was a small woman, maybe five foot three at most, and her once dark black hair was liberally peppered with gray. Her skin was dark, and her face held that time warn look that I imagine came from raising six children. She regarded me with her dark eyes that looked so much like Rangers.

Ranger's mother smiled at me sadly, "I had hoped one day Carlos would have found someone," she walked closer to me and took my hand in hers, "I just wish I could have met you under better circumstances."

I turned my head from her intense gaze, I didn't take my hands from hers, "I'm sorry for your loss," I said brokenly.

She touched my cheek and gently replied, "We both lost him."

Somehow I wasn't surprised by Ranger's mother. She reminded me of Ranger and of Julie and I can see where he got his strength from, for even though Mrs. Manoso was small in stature, she struck me as someone who tall in spirit. What do you say to a person like this, I have no experience with this sort of understanding and it made feel so inadequate.

"No parent should have to burry their child, no matter how old they are," she softly said to me. She gathered me into her arms, and I leaned into her embrace. "He had told me about you and I was always curious, but he guarded his secrets well and so I waited." Those words made me start to cry harder and she said soothing words in my ears.

She led me to a near by bench and sat us down and I continued to lean on her. "Carlos was such a busy child, who never seemed happy with who he was," she looked off, as if seeing another time and place. "He would always get in trouble, and with five other children to raise, I didn't always have the energy to be patient with him."

"He turned out to be a good man," I said quietly.

"Yes, he did. But he was always distant, even before the military." Mrs. Manoso paused as if weighing her words. "I can't help thinking I had failed him." She turned her solemn gaze to me, "I feel maybe if I had been a better mother, he wouldn't have felt the need to push so hard to put a wall between him and the rest of the family that he wouldn't have pushed at keeping his own daughter out of his life."

My chest tightened at her words. And a felt a little shame creep up on me, thinking that the only reason he didn't share details about himself with me was because he didn't want me to know that part of his life. "He had a dangerous life style," I said.

"Hmm," was her only response to me. For the longest time we just sat there side by side lost in our own thoughts.

"Ranger was the only man I knew, who really understood me." I started to fidget with my hands, trying to tell this woman what it was that I saw in her son. "No matter how many times I screwed up or how many cars that I destroyed or how many times that his men had stuck their necks out for me because he ordered it, he always offered his reassurance and support." I smiled wistfully as I remembered all the times Ranger had told me, 'Proud of you Babe.' I shook myself and sighed heavily, "I was afraid of what I felt for him, and I'm so angry that I never got a chance to tell him while he was alive."

Ranger's mother nodded her head, "I think he knew."

My heart constricted with her words and I wanted to argue. How could he know how much I felt, when I was always in the arms of another man? I started to stand and make excuses to go, I just couldn't be here any longer. I stood up abruptly and ran out of the cemetery not even caring how it looked to Ranger's mother. I just couldn't sit there and let her think that I was more to her son. That we had something that just didn't exist.

When Ranger had lived we kept a barrier between us. Either physically or emotionally and I will always regret not being brave enough to really see what it was we could have had. I kept my head down as I unlocked my car and got in. I leaned my head against the steering wheel and felt a leaden weight in my stomach. "Why Ranger? Why did you have to make me love you?"

TBC . . . . .


	8. Chapter 8

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

The Upside of Down 

**Part Eight**

By, Elissahara30

_When Ranger had lived we kept a barrier between us. Either physically or emotionally and I will always regret not being brave enough to really see what it was we could have had. I kept my head down as I unlocked my car and got in. I leaned my head against the steering wheel and felt a leaden weight in my stomach. "Why Ranger? Why did you have to make me love you?"_

I stood in the park and watched as Ingrid and Jack played, and smiled fondly as Carlos pushed little Jack on the swings. I sat at the picnic table just soaking up the simplicity of it all. It was a mild day and the sound of children's laughter was a balm to my battered heart. I closed my eyes and sat back and just listened and felt content to just be.

Then I felt a slight shiver and opened my eyes and almost jumped out of my seat as Mary Lou sat next to me. This version looked different from the Mary Lou I knew from the Burg. She was dressed in a professional suite and hard a hard edge air about her. She looked at me with a calculating gaze and gave me a sneering smile.

"So, I hear that you have forgotten the last few years. Good for you I guess." Her tone was low and sarcastic. She looked at my family and her eyes never wavered and that made me want to squirm in my place.

"Is there something I can help you with?" I asked trying to be polite, but seeing my best friend acting this way was unsettling.

"Oh, come one Stephanie are you trying to tell me that you don't remember me?" She put her hand over her heart and arched her eyebrow at me, "I am truly hurt."

"The last I remember of you was that you where dating Lenny Stankovic." I really hoped this matched the timeline from my memories.

Mary Lou smiled at me and it wasn't a happy sort, "How convenient for you. You forget over a decade and so its will me easy not to culpable in anything."

I was starting to get annoyed, "What the hell do you want?"

She made a tsking sound, "Temper, temper Stephanie. Let me refresh your memory some, Joe Morelli."

I reviewed my mental calendar of events and if I counted back ten plus years, the last time that I had seen Joe was when I had run him down with my father's Buick. So I was safe to say, I had no connection to him in this life. At least one could hope so, "I haven't seen or hear of Joe Morelli since I hit him with my dad's Buick."

"You're lying." She said simply as she looked at me, "I know you are and I is fucking insulting that you're doing it to my face."

"Then what is it that I did that involves Joe Morelli and me?" I didn't like her tone and I really starting not to like her as a person. I was taller than her, I could take her out.

"For the last three years you have been having an affair with my husband you bitch." She said heatedly.

To say that I was stunned was an understatement. I turned and looked at the park and noticed that Mary Lou and I had gotten Carlos attention. He was watching us and I could tell even from here he was tense. I'm positive that he couldn't hear us, but I think he had an idea what we were discussing and it hurt. My once sad dreams have now become my nightmares.

I looked at Mary Lou, the face of my best friend that I had shared so many of my hopes and dreams with, the person I had trusted. Here was a mockery of that friendship and in it I was the one to make her bitter. It took me a few minutes to realize that Mary Lou was married to Joe and that for the past three years I had been his mistress.

I stood up on shaky legs and turned my back on her, "I don't remember this," I said in a mournful voice, "and I'm sorry that I had caused you so much pain."

I looked up as Carlos came up to me and gathered me into his arms and looking over my shoulder to Mary Lou and said, "I think you should leave us, Mrs. Morelli."

"You're an idiot for believing her, I told you months ago and I even provided proof and here you are playing the happy family." Mary Lou barked out a bitter laugh, "You keep her away from my husband!"

Carlos made soothing circles on my back and I pulled away from his embrace, "Is it true?"

"Babe," he said desperately.

"No, I can see it on your face. Its true isn't it!" I wanted to wake up now; I didn't to have to face this.

"I thought had lost you," he said to me sadly, "No matter what I still love you and I foolishly thought that since you didn't remember that you would love me again. And it worked."

I closed my eyes and reeled back from it all. This is insane; I have completely lost my mind. I looked back at Carlos and felt so many burdens on me. All of these dreams, all of these wonderful times and even in my sleep nothing but lies. I backed away further, "I think I'm going to walk around the lake for a few minutes and just think about things."

He seemed to want to reach out to me, but I pulled back and I noticed the hurt on his face. Right now I needed to leave, and hopefully wake up soon. I turned my back and walked away.

TBC . . . .

A/N: Well kiddies, I'm taking votes for the happy ending. Let me know if you want me to pull the rabbit out of the hat or not. Also, I want to thank everyone who reviewed and kept with my odd tail. It warms my heart.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

The Upside of Down 

**Part Nine**

By, Elissahara30

_He seemed to want to reach out to me, but I pulled back and I noticed the hurt on his face. Right now I needed to leave, and hopefully wake up soon. I turned my back and walked away_.

I stood in front of the fall length mirror in Joe's master bedroom and just stared at myself. There was this person who looked back at me that didn't strike me as someone who was particularly remarkable. Here she was a thirty-three year old, unmarried, pale, fuzzy headed, blue eyed plain woman. What was it about me that had two men want me so badly?

Over the course of years I had been stupid and more than that I had been woefully blind. With a skill I had developed since I was young, I learned to ignore anything that made me feel uncomfortable. Looking back at my relationship blunders I realize I was only ever living in the moment with no plans to buy any real estate on my future.

The dream of my supposed infidelity still haunted me. I would toss and turn at night trying to resolve this issue inside my head. It hurt, but I couldn't deny the seed of truth in the words that Mary Lou confronted me with because when I really looked closely at it I was never a hundred percent faithful. I remember when Ranger had told I only owned thirty percent of Joe, and now I have wonder if Joe only ever had thirty percent of me. If I was going to be honest, I never gave either Ranger or Joe a hundred percent of heart. I portioned it out, just enough to keep them interested, but not enough to have made a commitment to either man.

Looking back on my relationship with Dickie it had been a farce from the beginning. All the clues were there that he was an unfaithful worm. Yet I ignored all the clues up to the point I cam home one day to witness him fucking Joyce. So, finally I paid attention to his duplicity in our marriage, and all it cost me was my heart.

I moved away from the mirror and sat on the bed. How many nights had I slept here with Joe and my mind was always on someone else. Even before Ranger was killed, how many times had I been with Joe and wished he were someone else. Dickie had claimed to have loved me, even while he was screwing other women. I claimed to love Joe, even though my heart really belonged to someone else. So, the sad hard truth of the matter was, I'm not any better than Dickie. I may not have been cheating with my body; I was unfaithful with my heart and to a greater extent that made me the bigger whore.

I surveyed the bedroom again and made sure I didn't leave any items behind. Joe and I had fought bitterly when I informed him that I was leaving. He didn't understand and I didn't have the heart to tell him, that I just didn't love him enough to stay. It was one more despairing situation already added to my broken heart. It hurt much inside that now I have start mourning the death of our relationship. With a heavy sigh, I stood up and picked up the last box remaining from floor and headed out the room.

On the way to my new apartment I started to get cravings for TastyKakes. Hell it's been so long since I felt the desire to eat much of anything that I think maybe should indulge myself. I pulled into the Quickie Mart and jumped out of my car. Once I stepped into the door my spidy sense went into hyper drive. I just walked into something deadly. The clerk at the cash register was pale and sweaty and shaky. I didn't see anyone else but it did not mean there weren't there. I went about getting the TastyKakes, trying to act like nothing unusual was going on. I would call the police as soon as I could, but I didn't want to get either of us killed.

I headed up to the cash register with my purchases and looked at the attendant, trying to let her know that I will call the police. God, I hope she understood ESP. When I was starting to turn out of the store, the rubber came up from behind me and pressed his gun to my temple and I started to feel faint.

"You're not going anywhere," said the gunmen hi hot breath brushing against my ear. I turned away because his breath was rank, and heavy with alcohol.

Just then a mother with her four year old daughter came into the market, I jabbed my elbow back and made the robber double over. "GET OUT!" I shouted to the mother as I turned back and fought with the robber for control of the gun.

In the space of minutes two shots were fired. I stood there in shock as the guy fell to the floor bleeding and I started to see black dots dance before my eyes and my head was spinning. The clerk tried to talk to me, but the words seemed garbled, I swayed unsteadily on my feet. I looked down at my hands and realized that I was shot too. I sat down hard on the floor, and looked out where the mother was consoling her little daughter. The only thought that went through my mind before every fell into darkness was, she's the same age as Jack.

A/N: Okay folks you won. I will end this with an HEA. Also since is down and I can't reply to everyone's reviews. Thanks for the reviews it makes this story all the more fun to write.


	10. Chapter 10

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

The Upside of Down 

**Part Ten**

By, Elissahara30

_In the space of minutes two shots were fired. I stood there in shock as the guy fell to the floor bleeding and I started to see black dots dance before my eyes and my head was spinning. The clerk tried to talk to me, but the words seemed garbled, I swayed unsteadily on my feet. I looked down at my hands and realized that I was shot too. I sat down hard on the floor, and looked out where the mother was consoling her little daughter. The only thought that went through my mind before every fell into darkness was, she's the same age as Jack._

I was bathed in warm golden light. The warmth felt like the tender caress of a lover and I purred with happiness. The air sparkled and shimmered with fairy dust. I wanted to dance and laugh. I laughed out loud as I felt a smile pulling at my lips. I hugged my arms around myself as I danced to a song that I had heard on radio months ago.

A niggling little feeling tickled at the back of my mind and I stopped dancing around the room. The warm light flickered and wavered and the fair dust started to loose its magic. I shivered as some unknown breeze wafted over me and my fairy dust became tarnished. I continued to listen to the song as anger, sadness and loneliness crashed over me in waves. From the recesses of my mind, I suddenly remembered where I'd heard the song. It was when I had driven with Ranger on his hunt to find his daughter's kidnapper. The brief time I got to know him better and the time he was taken away from me.

My once warm and peaceful environment shattered into a million pieces of black glass and I found myself standing in a single circle of light. I looked around myself confused and dazed and more than a little afraid. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted movement.

"Who's there?" I asked nervously.

The movements continued to circle around me and I wanted to back up and run, but I realized I had no where to go. Where was I? Was I dead after all and this was some kind of hell I had to spend an eternity in?

"You're not dead." Called a voice from the darkness around me.

"Where am I?" I asked plaintively as I worked hard at stemming the panic that was threatening to bubble to the surface.

"You're safe," said the person who suddenly stood beside me. I jumped back and I pressed my hand against my chest as my heart nearly jumped into my throat.

"What the hell is going on?" I demanded.

She turned and looked at me and I couldn't help but stare. She was me! And I knew I had finally gone over the edge. Ranger's death had driven me crazy, I was hallucinating and I was sure somewhere I was most likely drooling in some mental hospital slurping jello with a straw.

"You're not crazy," she said softly. "This," she indicated the dark space around us, "is your subconscious."

I rolled my eyes at her, "I don't believe in this."

She gave me a condescending smile which made me grimace, "You can't run forever. As much as you try, you can't run from yourself."

If this was my subconscious than it was horridly empty and that was very depressing, "I don't seem to have much here?"

She looked at me with obvious delight dancing in her eyes, "There is so much to you, that it would be overwhelming if I showed it to you all at once." She turned and motioned around the dark expanse and like a movie montage pictures streamed all around me, "Here are your hopes, desires, your fears, memories and nightmares. All of it just waiting for you to acknowledge them."

"I really don't understand?" I said.

"Stephanie," she said to me patiently, "You've been dreaming for some time and I know you've realized what it was that I was trying to tell you. Do you understand now?"

I smiled at her bitterly, "That I have a family with a man that doesn't exist. What does that tell me other than the fact I want something I can't have."

"How do you know you can't have it?" She asked me.

I turned disbelieving eyes to the keeper of my subconscious, "He's dead." My chest tightened with anger as I turned my back on her. I wanted to cry, to scream to tear my hair out. This was so unfucking fair.

"Are you sure?" Her tone implanted doubt in my mind as I watched the pictures form around me. I watched as the images of Ranger floated forward and I smiled as I watched the very first time I had met Ranger I remembered being instantly attracted to him, but very intimidated at the same time. Out of everything about that day, I remember his smile the most, and he had earned my trust so quick. An unbidden thought struck me that Joe hadn't earned that kind of trust with for almost a year and a half.

So many images good and bad floated by all featuring Ranger. Then I noticed they seem to be progressing toward the end and I felt my chest constrict, "Stop," I whispered, I didn't want to see it all again. I couldn't handle witnessing his murder. "Stop, please," I begged as I felt the tears burn tracks down my cheeks. "STOP!" I screamed.

Too late. I was transported back to the day; I heard the door open and close, the soft sound of unhurried footsteps. The slight rustle of clothes and scuff of shoes on carpet. And then Ranger appeared in the living room. He had hands raised. He walked in knowing Scorg was there. And Scrog shot him.i

"NO!" I screamed at the images that were forever burned into my mind. One shot, then two, then three there were too many to count. I turned my head as Scrog accounted, "Execution time."

"Please," I cried softly, "I can't relive this again."

She touched my face and I lifted my tearful eyes and me her compassionate blue. "Tell me Stephanie, if you could do anything differently what would it be?"

"I'd . . . I'd tell him I loved him," I said brokenly.

She caressed my cheeks in a touch I had often associated with my mother. "Who do you love Stephanie? Who is it that you love so much that you are suffering now."

"Ranger," I admitted my eyes looking back at my memories of him.

"Why him?"

A smile played across my lips as I saw a memory come to mind. It floated up out of the blackness and I watched it all over again. It was when he was an FTA and he was in my apartment. We were on the floor, his hands so hot against my skin. His eyes were so intense, filled with desire and longing. I never realized it before how much I had wanted him, even then it was frightening to want someone that much.

"Is that all you feel for him, is sexual desire?" She asked me as the area once again faded into darkness.

I met her eyes without flinching, "He is more than that to me." I swallowed back the tears that threatened to choke me. "He was a person who made me feel like I could do anything. He always asked me what I thought, what I needed and quietly supported me. Even when he was out of town, he let me know that I was protected when I needed it." I turned away, "I tried to discount what he felt for me. I knew he loved me, and that he was just as scared as I."

Admitting all of this was painful, I had so many regrets. I hugged myself, but this time to fight back the coldness and comfort myself. "I need him."

I heard her walk up behind me, "Do you want Carlos, the dream or do you want Ranger."

"I liked the dream with Carlos, I won't lie about that. But I love Ranger, and he's the person I want back in my life." I turned and the images of the cemetery. A dissolute feeling swept through my heart as watched myself lay the rose on the grave. I heard myself say, "I miss you."

And I did, I missed him with every fiber of my being. I wanted him back, with a desperate need. To hope was pointless, Ranger was gone and not coming back. She turned me toward her and held my face in her hands. "I know you hurt, but you've been in this nightmare long enough."

"I can't," I sighed.

"Stephanie, life is meant for the living and you have to live now." She pointed to the door behind her, "Go through that door Stephanie and live the rest of your life."

"I'm afraid." I wanted to escape her grip.

"The rest of your life is waiting on the other side of that door. Go through it and I promise everything will be good."

I stepped back and nodded my head, okay I could do this. I will go through that door and live the rest of my life. I lifted my head up and squared my shoulder and reached out and turned the knob.

And I opened my eyes and I was in my bed in my old apartment, I looked around and everything looked like my home. I looked over at my alarm clock and noticed that it was 9:00 am. I reached over onto my nightstand and picked up my cell phone. I closed my eyes and prayed that she was right, that all of this was a nightmare to get me to realize that I really, truly loved Ranger.

I hit one on my speed dial and brought the phone to my ear, and held my beath.

"Yo."

"Ranger," I said breathlessly.

"Babe?" I could tell he was concerned it was obvious in his voice.

"Can you come over, I need to see you?" I tried to keep from crying, but it didn't work.

"I'll be there in five." And he hung up.

I got up, threw on some close and ran into the bathroom to try to get my self looking decent again. I splashed cold water on my face and took in a shaky breath. I exited the bathroom and entered my living room. I looked at the spot Ranger had been shot and wondered if I had dreamt that too.

I heard the locks tumble and I walked down the hall and waited, as soon as the door opened and I saw Ranger, I launched myself into his arms. He held me tight for a minute as I struggled to control my fears.

"Babe?" he asked as he eased me back and pushed my hair out of my face, "Are you alright?"

I stepped back and just looked at him; I got close again and touched the spot on his neck, where he had been shot. It was real, that time was real but Ranger survived and he was here. I smiled through my tears and said, "I am now."

A/N: Thanks to you all on PFF who suffered through my insanity on Friday. I do need a break from my stories. But I wanted to at least deliver my HEA first. Thanks to those who supported me. Elissa.

i Taken from Twelve Sharp


End file.
